i've never realized what a caffeine addict i truly am until seeing a tea cup, coffee mug and coke can sitting beside my keyboard. all of which were consumed in the span in three hours. sadly, no work was done. this is uncalled for however; it's only october and already i have a 10 page essay due in a week. i figured i'd have another good month of dicking around, sporadically attending class and all that usual going-through-the-motions before the mid-term season dawns upon each and every student.

i'm poor. that's been the recurring theme around here lately but i'm the star of the show so bare with me if you must. so poor i can't even afford a haircut or an oil change. well truthfully, i never did pay for haircuts and get my mom to do those for me. in fact all my life, i've spent a grand total of $20 on getting my hair done. it was last year when i needed one pronto on the spot and mommy dearest wasn't around. the beauty of mom hair cuts is that in the morning i look like a seven-year old with the ugliest bowl cut ever, but with the slightest tweaking in the mirror, i give myself a chic-y look which other suckers pay onwards of $100. pity the fool who doesn't have a mom who gave haircuts to her 4 younger siblings. the only thing she asks for in return that i continue to be her favourite son. sadly, she can't do oil changes.

the other day i was helping my younger brother get ready for his first job interview. the poor clown's closet consists out sk8ter boi outfits and one-liner shirts that aren't even remotely funny. though i find the idea of dressing up to impress minimum wage employer laughable, sad reality is you have to start somewhere. i myself haven't got the slightest sense of style or of what makes professional attire, my recent job called for some attention to these sort of things. in the past four months, i've amassed mounts of second-hand clothing that have no real use other than my brother using it for job interviews. he's slightly taller and well, better-looking i think. but it's got to be the height because other than that, we're brothers right down to the moles. after dressing the guy, i came to the conclusion people really must think i don't have the slightest idea as to what i'm doing when i dress myself in the morning. it's another thing all-together to see yourself in a mirror as opposed to having someone where your favourite golf shirt. come to think of it, i need a make-over a la 2005.

now that the school season is back on, i've resumed smoking pot habitually. the responsibilities of my summer job needed a clear-head and frankly, i just didn't have the time to fit into the schedule. i didn't make a conscious effort to stop but rather those people who i associate in those times sort of fell of the radar. i love them to death but it was too much where i needed to function like a good nice worker the morning after. i longed for those nights at times but realized i can do without. however, now that i am back to my seemingly drivel dead-end McJob with the occassional class here and there, i've got plenty of spare time and idleness is the devil's tool. or however that chestnut goes. so those folks are back in the picture and so are the circles of petty dealers. i tell myself this drift among these misfits is to provide research for a future project in social inequality but really, i've missed listening to funky ambient music while under influence. it's got its perks like getting drunk and then playing football in the nearby park in pitch dark.

things with misty queen are odd at this time as we approach the one year anniversary of our relationship. over the summer, she started working in a highly ambitious environment with highly ambitious individuals. these folks have highly ambitious social lives as a result. i have no problem with her making new friends but these friends aren't just part of my crowd. they all know someone that knows someone that knew someone and yet, in this circle, i am no where to be found. she's in the loop and trying to drag me into it as if it's some infinitely cooler world that i'm missing out on. this social circle is the elitist clubber type of the toronto scene that know club owners, promoters, and so forth. it's like my drug crowd but this one is legit. i've tried to pretend i care about getting to know these people but i'm just not into it at all. sure maybe there are some benefits of riding the coattails of these folks but it just isn't me. each of these nights begins with a desire for it to end already. misty queen loves it but i reminisce the old days and the quiet nights of movie watching and inane coffee shops chats in which i fall in love with her british accent at each syllable. i guess realizing what a polar pair we actually are signals a capricious future. we both see it, don't really confront it because of our non-confrontial characters and desperately try to accommodate to it. but lately we haven't been spending as much together. i can't seem to figure out whether it's growth of committment or growth apart. i have no problem letting her do her thing while i drink and play football. but at a same time, when she calls later that night, i immediately regret not being with her and should've just trudge with her new uber-cool friends. missing out on her happiness and as sappy as it sounds, makes me worrisome that i should be there to enjoy it with her. besides, there's plenty of good looking fellas with a little bit of money to swoon my fair lady. neither of which i came to flaunt. the persisent but restraint (for the sake of sanity) jealous nature of me continues to linger at such occassions.

i guess the old adage of "we'll see what happens" is a fair way to end this post.