i'll admit it, not everything that comes out of my mouth is worth hearing. chances are much that comes out of my mouth is not worth it. at heart of it, this may be the problem; may am i of interest to others outside the circle of friends but my weak self worth fails to see beyond the shadows and walls i've built around myself.

but i've learned to handle this problem by working towards conversations that are structured to my liking and within particular parameters. usually, this means cheating the other party by preparing all the witty and clever things i'll say the next day or later that day. this fixation of mine ensures that conversations will have some level of flow, i'll contribute something worth while with anxiety twisting my tongue into mindless, "mmhmmm"s "oh yeah"s, and "right"s.

surely, this process isn't easy to pull off. while my end of the conservation can be scripted to whatever liking i want, i can't predict the other's responses and sudden decisions to throw in something completely out of the blue in which my rehearsed dialogue is not ready for leaving me treading for dear life. then we get back to the problem of anxiety. that's why multiple directions need to be laid to prepare to for possible directions of the conversation. sort of like a "choose or own adventure" book where i know what will happen if you choose page 24 instead of 95.

or in other circumstances, i use complete control of the conversation to avoid uncalled for occurances. as a result, much of what i say is more a dialogue and the keen mind would be able to pick up on its earlier preparedness.

in a group setting, i simply cannot function because i cannot effectively prepare what others will say or do. at poker games, i'm often to referred stoic one and is mistaken as my gaming tactic. ironically, it's led to a few victories along the way. in any group social setting, be it at a bar, class discussion, etc, i become trapped with the belief all eyes are on me. in class, i think about those around me as they watch me take notes. at a red light, i believe i'm being watched out of the corner their eyes. on a street, everyone's thoughts stop to watch me instead.

i finally have a name for it: social anxiety. my own insecurites may stem from a psychological problem.

once i diagnosed myself as bipolar, but that may have been a bit of an exagerration.

first step is knowledge and this felt surprisingly well.