after weeks of emotional void and nearly hitting rock bottom in the trenches of regret, i had just about enough.

the tipping point came when she appeared in my dreams. standing there in the doorway just as the boring kingston radio station shook me out of the eventual fantasy.

and with that, i arranged a mini road trip back to toronto thursday afternoon; first, the necessary company on the long boring 401 stretch between toronto & kingston; secondly, to save a few dollars on gas. a rag-tag bunch unaware of my motives of bringing them along and why i am heading to toronto in the first place.

i really did try to study and get through the exams but my notes were filled with supply/demand curves, elasticity of income theories and the things i wanted to say once i saw her again. i needed to see her again.

who in their right mind drives back few days before a string of exams? a person who still lives in the past and ran from a situation unaware that running/hiding eventually come around at the worst possible times.

the closer i got to toronto, the more i doubted the grandiose illusion of surprising her and pretending the last six months never happened and things would go back to normal. i started to think more clearly and realistically that just maybe the john cusack ala high fidelity moment just would not happen.

people move on. feelings are temporal. memories fade away. it's only those who hang onto the sliver of hope that make nothing into something. it's a leap into a brick wall.

and so i pussied out. spent a few evenings with friends, wasted time and probably failed this morning's stats exam for the reasons that seemed if i fail it would be worth just four nights ago.

and for what exactly?