this morning i am awakened by my cell phone playing pearl jam's given to fly. the ringtone was cool when i previewed it but now that i paid a dollar for the thing it's annoying because only after you buy a ringtone do you realize, "fuck! this doesn't sound anything like pearl jam!" but having already paid for i'll have to wear it out knowing it was a dollar well spent. for a while i had that "la coo coo racha! la coo coo racha!" tone but that stopped being funny early on. but i carried on out of spite to the point i wanted to drown my phone everytime anyone called. now pearl jam is doing the same thing to me but i'd never drown a pearl jam related item. never.

i pick up the phone.

funny guy: yo? what's the gameplan? (gameplan = when and where do we meet to do drugs)
me: uhh...i have some schoolwork to do and then work in the afternoon. not sure bud
funny guy: oh
me: yeah
(a bit of silence)
funny guy: i'll call you another day then. peace

i love this guy. no need to diddle his twat and vice versa. i need to make more "friends" like this guy. no bullshitting around just a single person with equal benefits.

i go back to sleep with no intention of doing any schoolwork until at least monday night when it is the last possible chance to get anything done. then i know i'll actually do some work instead of fucking around. besides it's two really simple essays by a professor that hands out 80%s whenever you put in: hierarchy is BAD!, partiarchy is BAD, gender equality is GOOD! i just quote a bunch dudes who say it a little more prettier than i do and i get my A. mediocre garble has gotten me through three years of university and i'm not about to change my ways because i am a silly stupid stubborn man.

before getting any sleep the pearl jam phone goes off and it is my lady friend of significance questioning as to why i did not call her in the morninig. i know this relationship is progressing smoothly when she starts to worry i might be dead in a ditch somewhere and calls in the morning to check up. i feel loved and wanted.

i haven't mentioned her yet but she's really geat and i like her a lot and love being around her. she's british and supersexy because she looks her norah jones and uses to her advantage. the supersexy part not the norah jones part. though that might work too. she's really funny as well and i think all british people have some sort of comedic gene the rest of the world envious. jews too. they're funny but their humour came out of generations of suffering and laughter is what kept them going. brits however had it fairly nice throughout history and so what spawns their humour is a myster someone needs to look into. case example of my lady's humour is this morning when she told me to put on the television to watch bush's inaugaration ceremony and laura bush was walking out onto the main stage. here's some paraphasing

lady friend (in her super sexy british accented voice): look at her. i am sure she has never given a blow job to anyone in her life.
me: what makes you think that?
lady friend: that retarded (she says that a lot) smile. look at the way she greets everyone and that walk. she is not comfortable in her own body at all. she still hasn't faced reality she is stuck with it until she is dead.
me: what does that have to do with not sucking dick?
lady friend: there is nothing graceful about her. penis in your mouth is about liberation. think about it. i could bite you at any point but you'll keep coming back. you are at my mercy. i don't think she understands her potential. look at her.

i laughed and laughed and laughed and now have a coffee stain on my shirt. she wasn't trying to be funny but this is the most i laughed in a long time. she's great like that and i am at mercy at comedic intution.

tomorrow night we are going together to see the musical act that is named metric. the band is also playing there on saturday sunday and monday. the tickets keep selling out and they keep adding more dates. at this pace the band is never going to leave toronto and i am happy for that. i also have tickets for saturday night but lady friend has to work late so if you wanna go with moi. holler!! my pearl jam phone is waiting for you.

this is a big test for our young relationship because i sort of have a sexual crush on the lead singer of the band. last time we went to a show together was ron sexsmith and i contained myself because i only have non-sexual crush on mr. sexsmith. but tomorrow night emily haines is going to be on stage and if i do not yell, "emily! i want you to have my babies!" i know i can be a good faithful boyfriend.

you see emily haines is fucking amazing. and really hot but super sexual instant hot. but because of what she does. i have nothing but utter want-to-get-down-on-my-knees-and-pray respect for anyone that makes music that is profoundly beautiful and opens doors. pearl jam got me into old stuff like neil young and john lennon. rem opened my eyes into some sweet new waves tunes that were coming out in the mid 80s. now thanks to metric and their fanbase i learned about the likes of broken social scene feist yeah yeah yeahs and all other cool goodies i thought only silly emo 14 year olds listen to.

not only that but because emily fronts an all male-band that is damn erotic no? seriously. the world is music has been historically reserved for meat head males whose incorporation of women was to signify the pussy they get. sort of the shit you see in rap videos these days. wow you have money and lay "bitches" with "asses". blah blah blah. shut up! if you're ugly ass and shit for brains wasn't on mtv every three minutes you'd be home jacking off right now. look at the fat joe. what the fuck is that?! you dumb cunt! respect what you're doing because the likes of emily from metric are taking the world by storm and the only "pimping" you'll be doing....is something. i can't think of a witty analogy right now. i am in a rush to get this typed out.

so the jist: female singers in male bands are sexy not always because they are easy on the eyes but because what they do is honestly brutal, sincere and for some of us that take music seriously it is nice to music still remains an artful form that was not been "rapized" by the 50 cents of the wold. emily haines for prime minister! sorry for the lack of mention about the men in the band but you're all great too. playing your guitars and banging the drums. it sounds good. you can be in emily's cabinet when one day she is PM.