often people refer to me as "immature", "not acting my age" and so forth. these words usually come from my parents, grandparents and people who understand me. i don't let it bother me and usually respond with, "i don't know but i've been told that you never die if you never grow old." i don't exactly know what this means but i don't think it should be taken in the literal sense. we all die. it's fact of life.

as i kid i used to look forward to adulthood. the first chance i got to prove i could do adult-like things i would. being young sucked because of all these restraints making early years seem rather boring. but as you age and your authority and degree of responsibilities widen it can become rather intimidating. things being complicated and not as clear cut as everything once was. nonetheless you can't avoid them. it's how you approach them that determines everything.

one defining aspect of life is of course "what you do." by that i don't mean what tricks can you do and whether you can roll your tongue. "what you do" means how is that you generate monies. some of us go to great expenses earning pieces of paper that will help us answer this question when someone asks, "so what do you do?" the more complex the title sounds the more rich you appear. after finishing first year of university i figured it's time to start looking around for those complex title jobs because a piece of paper just won't be enough.

through the school i landed a 6-week placement at a firm that deals with community security issues. it sounded fun but that job turned into more than a job. each week we were expected to write reports on what we learned. what we found challenging and so forth. this self-reflection task was meant for us to balance our day-to-day tasks with the possibility that we may have to take our work home as well. so basically writing this shit every weekend was not something i would get paid for. besides that every night i had to take a portion of my work home to make sure everything is up to speed following morning. by the end of the second week the movie 'office space' became my bible and watched it over and over realizing this is what i mean doing.

when the six weeks were up the other students in my placement were anxiously searching for the next placement but i knew i wasn't ready for this line of work. throughout the six weeks i felt awfully depressed and really had little or no social contact with those outside of the workplace. it became the most mind numbing experience ever and i was staggered as to why the other kids wanted to seek out more of this. instead of looking for the next 'office space' i went back to my grocery manager and had my leave of absence end a bit early than they expected. for the next three months or so i worked full time at that place and felt a lot happier than the office placement gig. i just wasn't ready for "real" work yet. the grocery story operates rather simply. at the end of the day when you hit the punch clock that's that. what was finished or wasn't completed stays within the store. the minute i walk out and get into my car i do not think about that job. this is why they pay so little because they don't expect grocery to be an all encompassing process and low wages are justified. i didn't mind it because by then i earned several raises and my only expenses were limited to car, social, and saving a few dollars to make the minimum tuition fee in the fall. clocking in 40 hours every week provided enough money for all this. no one expected any reports to be handed in on monday. no additional "home" work each evening. nothing just eight hours a day and the occassional weekend shift.

i saw both sides of the labour market and realized i am not ready for the "real world" quite yet. so all you kids fretting because the summer is looming and you do not have a "real" job. don't sweat it. find some part time work. if you need additional funds take a second part time job and then enjoy the rest of the summer. you have four decades of work ahead of missing one summer isn't going to make a grand difference in the long run. i am mere credits away from graduation but instead this summer will do what i did last year and fix stuff around the house for people. not only do i learn pratical skills that will make me a handy-dandy person in the future but when the work day is done so are my thoughts of work. i did this last summer and made more than two years ago at the grocery store. was able to pay for a trip to europe and afford minimum tuition and then throughout the school year the grocery job paid off the rest. sure my back is permanently fucked after last summer's physically demanding tasks but i don't sweat it because i am enjoying everything else.

another thing that's responsible for my "immature" attitude is life experience. i'll briefly tell you about a life long-friend who we'll name "life long friend" for the sake of anonymity. i've known life-long friend since grade school and one thing i loved about her is her care-free totally out there free-as-a-bird take on life that went on through grade school, high school. she was living completely for yourself and nobody else. at times she came off as a selfish crass bitch but you loved her for it because she knew exactly what she always wanted and nothing get in her way. i was completely the opposite trying to be the "nice guy" and do everything for others but came off nothing more than a gullable pushover. trying to be happy made me unhappy and whenever someone came across me i buried it because being "nice" wins over people. i envied life long friend somewhat because she always get everything to go her way while i didn't. nonetheless i continued being passive old me because i guess that's i was raise as a sort of "willy loman" type of guy where being good and polite is the key to success. it's not. you become miserable and end up having nothing to show for it.

the life long friend who lived for anybody but herself ended up becoming pregnant around the time my lengthy relationship ended with let's call her "high school love." these two events changed everything that i did to approach people. life long friend decided to have the child and the birth was single handedly the most dramatic change of character i've witnessed. few days after delivering the child i visited her at the hospital and thought i walked into the walk room. i guess being completely responsible for another life will do that to you. now everything she thinks, does or plans to do has to take into account she has a child. that can be rather complicated for a person like her but she's adjusted smoothly. her decision to keep the child had a lot to do with her realizing she needed stability and i don't know what other ways one can gain stability than her parenthood. i respect what she did but she is not the same person anymore. she's "settled down", "grown up" etc. something i have yet to do.

around this time my relationship with "high school love" ended. it lasted for nearly three years and i really believe this was it. well so did she for a while there. we were going to finish school together. get married. have two children. and live happily ever after. when you think you have everything figure out at 16 and have it collapse onto itself when you're 19. it's painfully overwhelming. a portion of youth years was devoted to building a fantasy that fell apart because by being so "self less" to high school love i was making myself miserable. i can't say i was getting nothing in return from the relationship but come to think of it. it really wasn't on par. but her beauty and flattering words had me locked in a dream where this was going to be the rest of my life. in the end all that you give is not going to make you happy. you have to make yourself happy before you can make others truly happy. life-long friend taught me once it's time to settle down and you're not content. you will make those around you miserable in the long run and all your deference is word shit unless you are at peace with yourself. high school love taught me i have to look out for number one. in fact her friend once told her that. exact same words: look at for number one and everything will work itself out. i though that was the stupidest shit i've ever heard. today i would've taken that advice myself and ran.

i'm finally learning to be truly happy just by taking everything in stride. i am not there yet but when i find it. you'll be the first to know. this shit you are told about setting long term goals. short term goal. organizing everything and anything is fucking bullshit. i tried that already only to discover i was completely and utterly miserable. none of that takes into account everything around you that is unknown and bound to come about in the future. now i just get from one day to the next going about regular business. eventually i know i'll have to make similar sacrifices as lifelong friend but i can't do that until i know what it is that i want. so therefor i come across as somewhat of a dick just being thinking about myself. sorry if you're offended by that but it's my life coping mechanism and it's been working. just the other day a friend questioned as to how my lady friend can tolerate me. i've told lady friend all this and she gets it because she is doing the exact same thing. somehow our train thoughts being on the same page has eliminated envy, built up anger, and any type of resentment. when shit come up we deal with it right then and there and yes, compromise. being completely self absorbed is impractical i know that. i am in a relationship now that's based on happiness and both of us getting something out of it for our own sake. i'm not making grand plans because i don't want to fall into the same trap that i once did but i have moments of glimmer that suggest i'll be hearing a british voice for at least an extended period of time and for that i am happy.

i know in the long run i'll have the "real" job and begin to settle down but i've lost a few years figuring out what i want and how i am. so for the time being allow me to be the "immature selfish jerk" while i get everything around me sorted. don't worry. i'll join you soon enough. just not yet.