trying to point our physical flaws is like shooting fish in a barrel. there is no craft or effort needed to criticize ourselves or others based on outer appearance. besides it is too subjective and leads to endless amounts of slippery slopes when dealing with such an aspect of any person for that matter. character flaws require a lot more skill because as the saying goes, you can't judge a book by its cover. and before we go off pointing out the flaws in others we have to come to terms with our own and why we do the things that we do. people who are disliked because of their "i can do no wrong" attitudes haven't taken the time to look inside them and realize their self-proclaimed perfection is a distored view of a deeply troubled mind.

i've never had trouble with making me flaws widely known. i thrive on self-depreciation in hopes of objection but no one objects because they know i am speaking the truth. the current task is uncovering why it is that i do what i do to people and where it stems from. in my brief stint in poland this summer i got meet my grandparents. the parents of my father. i found them to be a pecular in couple in that they have been married for nearly 60 years and half a century have lived completely seperate lives.

i learned that on the farm they have their own money hiding spots. they grow their own separate crops and vegetables. buy their own food. make food exclusively for themselves. have their own dishware and their fridge is divided into two sections: his and hers. the only thing they share is the house. they've done this for decades and obviously my father grew up in this household. apparently this began with some fight and has continued so forth. just plain stubborness on both of their parts and coming from culture where couples coming apart is taboo they have continued their marriage. this knowledge proved to be revealing because i see what kind of effect this had on my father.

if my parents fight over the stupidest things my father can stay silent for weeks and even months. he won't say a word to my mother and sort of act in ways akin to his parents. he'll buy his own food. prepare his own dinner. do his own thing completely and utterly. there was a time my mother used to attempt to make him come around but nothing materialized largely due to dad's full out stubborness. she's given up trying to get him out of his silence phases and goes along with it till the point he comes around. ultimately dad's a type of breed where stubborness can carry on for decades but probably thinking of his own parents he comes around. and mom knows this. each generation is better than the next and that dad will utimately breaks his vow of silence. this can be rather problematic however being a child in such a family where one parent is almost creating a wedge and forcing the kids to take sides. i talk to my dad i think what mom thinks of that and whether i am upsetting her. and vice versa.

but the vow of silence is something i am all to familiar with as this character flaws slips into my own behaviour. i used to think silence ultimately makes others come around to your side. sympathize with you. understand you. but four out of five times people are deeply rooted within their own troubles to give much attention to you. so i would hold grudges for weeks on time without the other party knowing what it is that i am exactly holding out about. this can problematic and make others less willing to come forward. it's a stupid tactic but i had faith in it until i realized what preluded within my own family. i'm learning to change my ways while i can knowing what sort of shit stubborness has created. i wouldn't want my kids growing up in a home like the one i am in just because someone is using silence for attention. i've learned this behaviour from dad just as he learned it from his parents. having first hand experience of these two families i have a chance to break the cycle and it's time that i do. thinking of the past how i've used this to gain an advantage and instead faced destructive results it's silly to think i can succeed with this the way those before me have failed and fail to notice the mess they've created along the way.