for reasons that are quite obvious the first love always lingers on for years and years. even after the inevitable disappointment. it's paint on the heart that takes a while before it starts to wear thin. however it is not always something that is done on its own and requires certain knowledge before one can close the book on the past and i think that news has finally come its way. let me tell you a little story of someone in a previous post i referred to as "high school love."

i met her early in the 10th grade and we were a couple before school broke for the christmas break. to be fair i watched from afar since early grade 9 but never got the courage to utter a single world till she sat behind me in class. only when other classmate was belittling me did she acknowledge my existance. her top quality was without a doubt her looks. i've always been drawn to latin girls and her being half mexican was half good enough for me. her thick and slightly curled black hair matched with those gorgeous chaste brown eyes weakened my knees every single time. her smile made feel as if you were the last person on earth having a way of shutting everything else out. and i fell in love with her every time she laughed.

the relationship started off as any petty high school romance but it didn't take long to learn something different was at hand. first of all. her attentention span towards me lasted for more than 24 hours. which was a relatively new experience for which i wasn't quite equipped for. it felt neat to have someone give you some attention that seemed sincere. real neat.

we carried on for a good while. it had its ups an downs and everything that is expected from being around a dimwit such as myself. but i did my best to make it work because everything about it seemed as if this was the real thing. all the eventual talk about having a boy named "trevor" and growing old together did not seemed only a matter of time. for the first time i appeared to have what the medical community calls self-esteem. it felt good to have that thing around.

things eventually got sour but reverted to a state of denial trying replant to old fond memories of the early days where nothing could be wrong. i was making mistakes left and right but had grown content we'd weather any storm. content is a relationship killer and only should be attempted after 3-4 decades of marriage. trust me kids. take nothing for granted.

one june evening i learn she had slept with another. things got worse when she suspected she might be pregnant. i've never been mad at her until this particular night when and knew it really was over. i vowed to never speak to her again.

few days passed when i called her saying i need to be there for her. though the pain of it was awfully torturous i came back knowing this is where i belonged. the pain of betrayal could not have compared to the pain of losing her. i vowed to find a real job in the summer. make a few dollars and put everything to go towards the child. everyone advised me against it but i learned how much i love her when i was willing to do this.

so i landed a job through my uncle's company working in my home renovation. the money was good. hours were a bitch but at least i'd be supportive of the child that was not to be mine.

after telling her about the job and that things would be okay. i learned the truth. she was not pregnant and in fact never was. i'm still not sure whether she slept with the guy but the story was part of calculated thought out plan to have me out of life. i learned she did not have the galls to break up with me and instead attempted to use hate to drive us apart. on her end the plan had fallen apart as i was in too deep.

apparently her feelings had withered away in the previous weeks and a new fella was in the picture. there was a period in time when i figured this day would eventually come about but two years into the relationship these negativities had run dry. i thought i was the guy she was to grow old with.

the relevation of the fictious plot was too devasting to bear that anyone would steep so low to avoid the person they supposedly love. it was over.

days later i learned her and the new fellow were the couple of the town. i guess the pregnancy story was to serve a purpose of having me never to think about her again. now i had no more of a reason to do so. since then i've accepted her lie as her simply not knowing how to tell me her love had diminished. it made little sense as to why someone would go to such an extend to avoid the truth as it carried such pain and ugliness. she opted for the beautiful lie and maybe attempted to avoid responsibility of it all. she knew i loved her and lack of it was too much to bear.

for a year we maintained no contact what so ever until one night she just happened to unblock me of her chatting service. we exchanged news of daily happenings but tip toed around critical issues of the past. it felt good talking to her again and that connection we've always had never did dimmer away. since then the guy she left me for was long gone and i was still miserable. but getting by. the past pain had become numb and i dragged my feet day to day.

so after several weeks of talking online we finally met in person after what seemed like an eternity apart. she looked as gorgeous as ever and was becoming one of the most stunning woman i've ever laid my eyes on. she still had that distinctively erotic aroma about her and continued to wear the necklace i gave her on our 1st anniversary. and like every night i was endlessly lost in her stunning latin eyes. that night seemed like the outrageous lies and months of devastating pain were all forgotten within an instant. this time i played it smoother and did not offer to get a second job to seek her attention. i already had it right in front me yet again.

next morning i woke up to find a near confessional email in my box of thoughts she was too embarrased to utter in person. her apologetic words spoke our fruitful past and making decisions of grave regret that she cannot undue but only wish to start again. the words were something i thought i'd enjoy reading but were hardly so. despite it being the loniest year of my life i could not reverse the last 12 months and jump into the mess again. politely i responded that it just was not to be and hoped a friendship would be a suitable alternative.

after taking a year off after high school she moved out to vancouver to study at ubc. the word is she wanted to major in psychology to figure out why am i such a head case. my school has one of the finest psychology departments in the country but i guess that needs to be done time zones away when you're training is based on an individual case. i didn't know whether to be insulted or flattered but happy to known that my mental instability is the root of someone's calling. the news that filters ever so often is that she is doing really well and rumour has it engaged.

few nights ago the rumours of her engagement were no more when someone told me that she had gotten married. the news didn't register at that moment as i had consumed a ridiculous amount of drugs less than two hours before the news was dropped on my lap. for whatever reason i did not question anything about the service. whether there was one or not. what was the circumstance of the marriage and whether there was one. and why am i learning about this weeks after the event. maybe it was the drugs acting as an obstacle in the way of knowledge but i know nothing other than her being married. but over the previous 72 hours i given this serious sober thoughts and the information certainly is sobering. and it hurts. a bad hang over.

i've dug out the old box of past memories. in the box are the remaining physical contents of what was supposed to be the rest of my life; love letters, poetry, photos, ticket stubs to anything and everything we went, terrible love song cd mixes, petty purchases we made together. a time capsule of an emotional investment that is no more. there was a time that i looked through its contents on a daily basis but this was the first time in a while i dug in there. part of it had to do with avoidance and deep desire not to brood to the past. this time it proved to be overwhelming to do otherwise.

part of the pain stems from the fact the past is what is; the past. the open-ended possibilities have closed off. if the rumours are true attempting to pursue this relationships glides into aduterous territory. apparently this is a big no no. there no longer is the need for reflecting on past mistakes and "what if" situations had i taken up on her offer to rekindle the relationship. she is someone's wife and not the wife of the person i had envisioned just a few years ago. and that is the core of the pain; the dream is over. though it was just a dream, the innonce and idealist predictions of it spoke of a fruitful future. and maybe that's why it's so hard to just brush it off because it seemed as if everything was going to be easy and obvious. what hurts as well is that i got no word from her that she's getting married. maybe telling ex-boyfriends that you are getting married isn't a requirement but would have made it easier than hearing it from an old acquaintance passing by.

what is more so is that i've met her then-to-be husband and despite his intimidating physical stature and probable ability to toss me like a rag doll. i stood my ground because i continued to hold the balance of power. he knew that and did his best to shut me out of her life when i tried to pursue a friendship. his lack of confidence was painted on his face and diverted his attention to screening who high school love can be friends with. she told me all this days before leaving for vancouver. he didn't like me at all because he assumed at any point that if i wanted i could have her back and it was just a matter of willingness on my part. when she told me this i pondered whether she shared the same thoughts. she spilled everything and her agony told me she was in love with him but could not bare his insecurities. it was at this time that my part was to become the wedge knowing her that is what she wanted but i need to be the better person. i couldn't get involved because i didn't want do anymore. i just wanted it to end. and really this exchange signalled the beginning of the end.

when she left for the west coast he followed her shortly after. he figured i wouldn't go so he would show her that he can make the big sacrifice in the pursuit of love. maybe he's the better person as a result. i suppose maybe that is what she's looking for in a spouse; someone that can pack his life into a suitcase and blindly follow wherever she goes. the fact is he had nothing riding for him here and so moving may not have been such a bad idea. i didn't do anything about it because attempting to get involved at this point would be selfish. i was tired of doing of feeling as if i am the third wheel when all i wanted was friendship. obviously the boyfriend had something against that as he continued to shut me out of her even if she is on the side of the country. and to be fair i had more lose if i was the one heading to vancouver. i sent an email here and there to check in with her but whenever she hopped on the internet to talk, she said she never got it. he was up to his old ways and i can't but laugh that is insecure man today is someone's husband. i gave up on it all together and for the past year have relied on news filtering in from people we both know. why she didn't bother looking me up to give me the news first-hand, i don't know. either she thought i wouldn't care, she no longer cares or the news would devaste me. it's probably none of these but i attempt to find out. i want to know how they are getting by as well. it's difficult to wrap to my mind around the idea of young 20-something year olds running off and getting hitched. certainly the husband never had post-secondary school aspirations so hopefully at least he's supporting her.

there is a temptation to call up her mother and maybe get a phone contact as emailing high school love has proven to be ineffective. her mom always liked me so she would probably shed some light on the situation as well. i can't have full closure with all these unanswered questions streaking through my mind. though conventional wisdom suggests closure is just a matter of time.

all the best trishie trisha patricia.