in the year gap between the break up with "high school love" and the near reconcilliation, i dated 'deftone girl' for short while. we'll call her that because it is her favourite band. i think highly of the deftones. the relationship was good because it numb. nothing about it meant anything at all. she was using me to get back at her ex and while i was provided with solid quality weed. this was the circle of this loving relationship. it was not till deftone girl did i know what being stoned meant. i don't know whether it was the weed, the atmosphere, her godly bong and all sorts of tricks that she knew, but i'd get fucked up to the point i'd think cocaine would help me sober up. but we never did score coke because her coke dealer was the ex boyfriend she was trying to get back at by dating me. if we were to show up at the ex's in search of coke the guy would have a double laugh. i'm glad we never did get the coke or i wouldn't be the person i am here today. plus she wouldn't want to responsible for my possible death. my death would the least of her worries but being held responsible is something deftone girl wouldn't take well. in general, that's the kind of person she was; selfish, unabashed, egocentric and i hated her. but she was nice to look at, always horny and of course, the portal to drugs and heaven. this is the type of girl one needs when every night they go to bed thinking of their own story of 'high school love.'

we'd sit in her room, smoke disgusting amounts of weed and go on expeditions. typically we would get on the subway and sit there quietly observing everything around us. every detail had to be absorbed nothing could be omitted. after 30 minutes we would get off the bus and exchange stories about the people sitting on the bus. we'd give them names, birth dates, places of residents, marital status, why they are on the bus, where are they going; their physical flaws, their mental flaws, their life rejections, their hopes. anything that could be drawn from watching strangers sitting on the bus would be used to create our own visions of their world. we played god and got a kick out of it. we concluded our stories are 95% accurate with the actual reality and margin of error of +/-2.5%. the sample size was fucking huge. not systematically random.

creating lives for people is fairly simple. the way people conduct themselves in public is a good indication of how their personal lives. fear, anxiety, regret, rejection, disappointment is written on one's face. if you see that in their eyes you see their life and the direction its heading.

typically you'd look at me and see a gauky nerdy shrimp looking creature heading for a numbing 'yes sir' job. maybe a wife. but only in the dying days of his life when the loneliness requires one to give in and find an equally lonely creature. i know you're thinking that i have little reason to blame you. but i'll prove all you wrong. i'll invent my patent washer/dryer IN ONE and make millions because of lazy house wives. the washer/dryer IN ONE will revolutionize the way your laundry is done. never again will you have to throw your clothes into the dryer after the wash. think of the time you'll save and spend it making love to your husband instead! or pollboy, horse, or whatever floats your boat. i think it'll be called: WA-DRYER. three payments of $599.95! bbbbbbbbbbuuuuuuuuuuuttttt....if you call within the next 30 minutes we'll make one of hte payments for you and we'll throw in this wonderful daily planner where you can plan your boring ass day. operators are standing by.

okay may be not. i wouldn't know the science behind this machine and lack the engineer brain like my friend named, "odd polak". i call him odd polak because polaks are odd people in general. but odd polak is not odd and one of the most normal people i know. so that's what makes him "odd polak." he's probably going to beat me to it and make this machine ten times better than i would. i told him about the wa-dryer already and his excitement seems the brain was exploring its possibilities of being possible. he's smart like that and 'puts his ideas into prespective'

so instead of being a rich inventor i follow in my mother's professional area and teach. i wouldn't teach a real class like math, science or biology. not even photography though that could be fun. instead i'd be the high school gym teacher every kid loves. think about it. the gym teacher has the world figured out. real teachers teach classes, mark work and prepare tests. a gym teacher hands out basketballs and still can say he is a teacher when someone asks. fucking eh. while teachers where something resembling a suit, the gym teacher wears track pants and a sweat shirt sporting your school mascot. and a whistle! teachers carry bags with tests they marked all weekend and have no life. the gym teacher carries a clipboard and watches football on the weekends. college games on saturday and nfl on sunday. fucking eh. i wanna be this guy. my mom is simply burnt out because of her real teaching job and if i am to be a teacher, i want to have it as easy as possible. any job for that matter, i want it as easy as possible. plus the other advantage of being a high school gym teacher: high school girls. the only downside is you can't touch high school girls. well you can, if everyone is good at keeping secrets. career path: done and done.

me and deftone girl were great at creating stories that were based on nothing more than appearance. it was pretty much the only genuine part of this relationship in time of numbness. our stories were rich in imagination and sprinkled with scars of our own personal lives. it's how we learned things about each other. we never talked but knew everything about each other by what we said about others. it felt so beautiful and real to get to genuinely know someone through the most ingenuine way.

we eventually she thought it was best to call it quits because of some stupid reason that doesn't even make sense even today. but which can be interpreted as she got even with the boyfriend and my services weren't needed. ha! served her right because it was me getting all the pleasures of it. i learned more than i needed in these few months than i could in an entire life time. it's nothing can serve the public world any good but my own world is amazingly rich than it was before deftone girl. a few months can make a lifetime of difference.

so the breakup was painless and i was about to bridge the lost year with high school love. in spite of the numbness of the time everything felt somewhat well in how everything was lining itself out. the few months with deftone girl played a large part of not getting back together with high school love. i guess the pot and meaninglessness of deftone girl relationship gave me some spunk. when high school love poured her heart out, i stood firm and did not collapse at the might of the temptation. it was here that i had "wonder years" moment sort of like kevin arnold: it was at this time i learned to be independent. to be barefaced. to take life by the testicles and squeezing without the least bit care of what kind of pain it causes. by breaking her heart i became a man.* manlihood is gained when some one is surrendering their love to you with 100% vulnerability and you take advantage of it. that's manliness. you start to think differently. act differently. talk differently. talk to different people. everything is different when you break the heart of another. it was time i affirmed my manliness.

and what happened after i broke her heart? well, you know the story.

i guess life is like that. everything has its spatial and temporal order and meaning. nothing in your life is nothing. i want you take the time to think of the most mundane detail of your life. it's tonight's exercise and you'll be tested on it next monday. so follow me and think of the nothing in your life. it can be anything really that you find happened for no absolute reason at all. and now think how this knowledge altered your behaviour in the future. see? the absolute nothing was something. it served a greater purpose than you give it credit for. we overlook this all the time and think are behaviour is based on free will of the moment. hardly. the past shapes you. and if you think otherwise, you're still collecting the nothing moments before you make the real choices. then you'll realize the nothingness of the past is making you act the way you are in the present. so think of the nothingness, soak it in and bring it to the forefront and let it be the guide of the day. you will feel differently; better, emancipated, and see a future of choice and ability to deal with it. because the nothing in your life is everything.

*(oh, i did not squeeze anyone's balls if you're curious)